This post is going to be a bit of a cathartic one, so if you're looking for something hopeful and cheery, don't bother reading the rest. =)

Sometimes outta nowhere, I find myself in one of those lows. That's where I've been these past few days. Lately I've been really thinking about and missing Grace. I feel angry. I feel like a failure. I feel shame. Sometimes I think God's punishing me. What is it that God sees in me that makes me unworthy of being a parent? I can hear that little voice saying, "If your God is so great, why would he do that to you?" And I don't have any answers. zero. I go to church and I sit there and listen and try to feel that connectedness..and it's gone. I know I'm far far far away from being perfect. I also think that I'm a decent person, not evil or malicious. I try to do what's right and I know I always fall short. I'm an ordinary, garden variety bozo like everyone else, so how come this happened to ME? I hear peple thinking, Oh she musta done something bad and this is her bachi. And i feel my faith being questioned..like why would i love a God like that.

i've got nothing...today, I've got no answers, no wisdom, nothing.