Yesterday marked one year since we lost Grace. I can't begin to describe what this last few days have been like. Although it's been a year, I can remember it like it was yesterday. I can remember almost every single detail leading up to losing Gracie. And, while it makes me sad to think about losing her, I can think of her and not feel utter despair. I can think of her and be grateful that we got to meet her and hold her.

I told Mark about a month ago, that I was certain that God was going to redeem January 25th for good, for His glory. In the funny way that God works, our ultrasound was scheduled for the 25th. I'm not going to lie, even with my faith in God, I was still super nervous. All these feelings flooded back...not knowing, going to the doctor, anxiously awaiting news...it was completely surreal. We held out breaths as the nurse conducted the ultrasound. Fear gripped us as we watched the screen and baby wasn't moving. A few jabs in the belly later, baby started wiggling. I guess baby takes after Mark, it was an early morning appointment, and baby was unbudgingly sleeping! Heart checked out okay, kidneys good, brain perfect, upper lip good... And then we could breathe! Baby was still being stubborn with legs crossed and refusing to turn over, but finally the nurse could detect something..or rather, the lack of something. Not only was a little peepee missing, but there were two whitish lines indicating female parts! =)

I was just reading about how someone hates when people say, "Everything happens for a reason." And a handful of years, I would have said the same thing. I don't think everything happens for A reason. I know that everything happens for His reason. I can hear people thinking, "Yea if that's true, why would God let so and so die, or let so and so suffer, or fill-in-the-blank." I don't have an answer for it. I don't know God's plan. I don't and I may never know. But, here's how I think about it. Remember when we were a little kids and we wanted to go out with our friends alone...or we wanted to ride our bike past the boundries...or we wanted just something soooo badly...and our parents said NO? Remember those feelings you had? Anger, disappointment, frustration..like our parents didn't understand and that they were punishing us for nothing? Remember how you couldn't understand what would make them so darn unreasonable and stupid? And now, being older and wiser, and probably making those same kind of decisions our parents made, we can begin to understand WHY they made those decisions for us. We can see, now, how they saw a bigger picture than just riding our bike or going out with friends. Back then, when we were in the thick of things, nothing made sense except our own reality. That's how I see God working in our lives. At the time it's happening or even a few, three, four years after that, we may not understand WHY it's happening or the reason behind it. Truth be told, we may never understand. As Garth Brooks said, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."

For the longest time I didn't understand why God would harden Pharaoh's heart or allow Pilate to let Jesus be crucified. I questioned that if God was all powerful, why couldn't he change things? Now I realize that these things happened for His will to be done. My eyes see the situation and circumstance, His eyes sees the plan.

I miss Gracie everyday, but I am not bitter towards God. I know that this baby girl growing in me is not a guarantee. It worries me every day. I pray that come what may, I will face it with the same insight and strength that I have now, insight and strength that I have only thru Him.